


The Dangers Of Four Month Old Rum Cake

by Tarin2014tfan



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: #Humor, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 11:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9488396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarin2014tfan/pseuds/Tarin2014tfan
Summary: Leo forgot to throw out a four month old rum cake after cleaning out the kitchen cabinets.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer - I do not own TMNT or any of the characters therein. Some VERY rich dude does.  
> Rating - Mature Audiences ONLY  
> Story Warnings - Swearing, Drunken behavior, Crude humor (Don't like these topics? Do not read!)  
> Pairings - None (Do not like? Do not read!)  
> Universe - 2003  
> Ages - Turtles are all of the equivalent age of 21. (I made them this age to account for time passage in the series storyline.)
> 
> Story Credits - Movie : Silence of the Lambs

**The Dangers Of Four Month Old Rum Cake**

 

 

It was indescribable.

They had no words for it.

Even Donnie with his ten dollar word vocabulary was speechless.

Their father, the wise and renowned Splinter, a ninja and mystic of supreme skill, was floating on his back in the middle of the lair's pool with a chicken on his stomach.

It would be hard to say which of the four brothers was the most bothered by the scene, but everyone's money was on Leo.

The whole situation was the leader's fault, after all.

"I am Henry the eighth I am!" Splinter shouted, under the misguided impression he was singing.

"Does anyone know how long this is going to last?" Leo asked.

Raph just shrugged, he had no clue. Sure he'd gotten buzzed a few times, but no where near this level of wasted.

"That would depend on how much he consumed, and whether or not he had anything rehydrating to drink," Donnie looked at his eldest brother helplessly. "Or anything to eat to slow the alcohol absorption."

Leo winced. "I'm pretty sure he just ate the cake," the oldest replied.

"Henry the eighth I am, I am!" The rat hiccupped softly then belched in true manly glory.

"How much did he eat?" Donnie asked.

"When I set it out, it was a whole, untouched cake." Leo sighed. "When I just looked, there were only a few crumbs. On the table. The plate was licked clean."

"I got married to the widow next door! She has been married seven times before-or-or-OR!"

"Damn," Raph muttered. "Da whole t'ing?"

"The chicken ate some," Leo muttered.

"Dudes, Casey said his mom normally uses one whole bottle per cake, but she said she used one and a half bottles on the cakes she baked at Christmas."

"I need a drink!" Splinter started moving his tail propelling himself across the pool towards a lone teacup sitting at the pool's edge.

"A bottle and a half of rum... rate of fermentation of the sugars in the cake... left for four months..."

"Leads ta one drunk ass rat," grinning, Raph interrupted Donnie's calculations.

"And chicken," Mikey added.

"The drunk chicken's NOT on me!" Leo snapped. "Mikey brought that thing into the lair! Not me!"

"You just fed it," Raph snickered.

"Hey!" Mikey shouted indignantly. "I couldn't let them just chuck the poor thing in the dumpster! That's inhumane! Besides, dude offered it to me. Said he didn't eat chicken."

"Who eats a LIVE chicken in New York City!?" Donnie's expression was incredulous.

"Ozzy Osbourne?" Raph was having a hard time keeping a straight face. "Fine, no chicken blame on Leo. Dat's all Mikey. Fearless jus' drug out da booze cake."

"I didn't 'jus' drug out da booze cake'!" Leo gave a fairly good imitation of his brawler brother. "I was cleaning out the kitchen cabinets, and found it."

"OCD strikes again!" Mikey snickered.

A splash drew everyone's attention back to the pool. More than one brother looked up fearing Splinter had tipped over, and was in the process of drowning. A collective sigh of relief went up upon discovering Splinter was just fine, and still doing his imitation of a raft.

"Here you are, Mr. Christian! Drink up, my friend!"

He was just giving the chicken a drink.

The chicken seemed appreciative.

It sneezed.

"Bros, he thinks he Captain Bligh."

"Technically, Bligh was a Lieutenant referred to as Captain only because of his position on the ship." 

"Still made him a Captain, dude."

Donnie gave his baby brother the 'LOOK'. Mikey grinned. He never let an opportunity pass where he could one up his brilliant brother.

It happened so rarely.

"Hoist the main," Splinter hiccupped again. "That thing!" He waved his hand in the air. "Full steam ahead! Man the oars!"

Splinter tail propelled himself back across the pool, continuing to shout orders in a mixed combination of Japanese and English spoken in what the rat must have meant to be a salty, English sailor accent.

"Full steam ahead? Man the oars?" Mikey looked questioningly at Donnie.

"It's his drunken reality. Let him have it," the genius responded.

A sound reminiscent of toddler Mikey in the bathtub was heard coming from the pool.

"Jet propulsion!" Splinter shouted, whipping his tail faster.

"Donnie..." Leo swallowed hard. "Umm..."

"Different inflow sources, Leo. All drinking water runs through three filtration systems before coming out the taps." Donnie looked a little greener than usual too.

"Guys, it's just air."

Raph had a disgusted look on his face. "I ain't swimmin' in dat fer a good week, solid."

"It will filter itself clean in twenty-four hours, Raph."

"I don't CARE."

Raph was so stubborn that if the lair was under attack, and the only safe exit was the water pool, his brothers knew the emerald brawler would stand, arms crossed, shaking his head, as the ceiling came down around him.

The chicken sneezed again, poofing it's neck feathers out three times it's normal size. "Now, now, Clucky," Splinter gently smoothed the ruffled feathers back into place. "I am certain Donatello can find a comforting way to extract your egg if it is stuck. His fingers are soft, and he is a very gentle turtle. As soon as the ship docks, I will ask him to help."

Donnie shook his head, the most horrified look on his face. "No way in Hell."

"Soft and gentle," Mikey sputtered.

Donnie spun around. "Shut it, shell-brains, or I'm going to throw you in the fart pool head first!" he hissed.

"Guys, can we please get back to the issue at hand?" Leo rubbed a hand down his face. "If this day ends without someone drowning, I'll be surprised."

"Like da chicken?"

"Will you shut up about my chicken?!" Mikey growled.

"That chicken is not a pet!"

"But Leo!" Mikey's whine was in rare form. "We can't kill it!"

"Why not? We killed the squirrel," Donnie mumbled.

"WHAT!?" Leo and Mikey shouted at the same time.

Unbeknownst to the brothers, Splinter had fallen asleep. Their shouting startled him awake.

"We have hit the doldrums, Mr. Clucky! Man the steam oars!" Splinter shouted with a belch. "Hoist the main flappy thing full ahead!" Confident his orders would be obeyed, Splinter went back to snoring.

Leo really hated damage control. "We did NOT kill the squirrel!" 

The ninja leader missed the sly smile that crossed Donnie's face, but his sharp ears caught the barely spoken, "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"Did we Donnie!" Leo glared at his genius brother.

"I was told to set the squirrel free at Casey's farm after making sure it wasn't injured." Donnie unwaveringly held Leo's gaze. "And that is exactly what I did. I made sure the squirrel was uninjured from the chase in the lair. I took it to Casey's farm. I opened the cage. And happily left it in the woods."

Raph smirked at his genius brother. 

Donnie narrowed his eyes ever so slightly. Omissions of facts did NOT count as lies!

Leo turned to his baby brother. "The chicken will go to Casey's farm, and live out it's life laying eggs, eating corn, and fornicating with those ten thousand roosters Casey already has up there," he ground out through tightly clenched teeth.

Raph wasn't the only one who read between Donnie's lines.

"Casey's only got three roosters, Leo." Mikey informed his oldest brother. "You just think it's more because they always gang up on you."

Leo hated those roosters, and the feeling was mutual. Whenever they visited, Casey's roosters attacked the blue-banded ninja the second Leo stepped out of the van.

Every.

Single.

Time.

The roosters' hatred of the leaf green turtle may have had something to do with the fact Leo kept eating corn-on-the-cob and fried chicken in front of them while making happy, little noises of well satisfied contentment.

Leo really could be an ass.

"The chicken goes to Casey's farm. It and the squirrel can form a ninja turtle rejected pet club for all I care, but it's going!"

"But Leo, there's wild, chicken eating animals in those woods!"

"It'll be fine!" Leo's eyes were looking a little... unhinged. "If anything's out there that eats chickens, it'll eat the roosters first!"

Mikey frowned. "How can you be sure?"

"Because I'll to let them loose." Leo didn't feel the least bit guilty about condemning his friend's roosters to a violent death at the hands of some wild, chicken devouring beast.

Mikey's lower lip began to tremble.

"Fine!" Leo relented. "Donnie can put in a chicken security system!"

"I can?"

"Yes. Yes, you can."

Raph wondered when Leo had developed that eye twitch. It sort of reminded the brawler of Hannibal Lecter.

Mikey wasn't completely happy with his leader's decision, but he could live with it.

"We need to get Master Splinter out of the pool." The chicken decision had apparently gotten the leaf green turtle his leader mojo back, and in working order.

"Yeah, it'd suck if Sensei's fur molded or something."

"I doubt his fur will mold, Mikey," Donnie resisted the urge to roll his eyes at his baby brother.

"How do you know, dude. Sensei only stays in the shower for like fifteen minutes. He's been in the pool for like, what? Half an hour? Forty-five minutes? Something like that?"

"Well, I ain't goin' in after him. Dat's da leader's job," Raph looked pointedly at Leo.

Mikey nodded enthusiastically, agreeing with his emerald brother. Donnie grinned, jumping on the 'stay dry' bandwagon with his two siblings.

Majority always rules.

Leo wilted.

Shedding his weapons, and as much gear as he could, Leo slowly lower himself into the water. Mentally swearing for all he was worth, he circled around to approach Splinter from his head.

"That's it's bro!" Mikey called encouragingly. "Keep away from the dangerous end!"

Raph and Donnie quickly joined the youngest in laughing.

Leo glared.

Very carefully, Fearless Leader maneuvered his sleeping father to the edge of the pool in front of his brothers. He looked up at them expectantly.

They looked back.

Leo raised an eyeridge.

His brothers just stared back.

"Well?"

"He's covered in fart water."

"For shit's sake!"

He made Leo swear. Raph took that as a new personal best.

"We live in the sewers! We have all stepped in stuff a lot worse than FART WATER! What is your..."

"Leonardo, my son, please do not shout in my ear."

Raph figured anyone would have known better than to scream underwater. He didn't have the heart to ask Leo what fart water tasted like, but the thought did cross his mind.

"Ah, Donatello," looking utterly delighted, Splinter waved to the left of the bo wielder. "Umm, Donatello, my son," looking less delighted, and slightly confused, the rat switched to waving to the right of the genius. "My son, please stand in one place, this is highly important."

Donnie knelt at the pool's edge leaning close to his father. "I'm right here, Sensei. What's wrong?"

Startled by the sudden appearance of only one Donatello, Splinter jerked his head back, splashing Leo in the face with more fart water. His two brightly banded sons fell into peals of laughter while the oldest sputtered trying to clear his mouth.

"Ah, yes, Donatello." Splinter patted the chicken sitting on his stomach reassuringly. "It seems Clucky here has a bit of a constipation problem. Please be so kind as to reach up in there, and pull that stubborn egg out." Splinter gently covered both sides of the chicken's head. "We can have an omelet afterwards," the rat added a sly wink to go along with his mock whisper.

Donnie didn't move an inch.

Splinter picked up the chicken, holding it out to his son, grinning widely.

Donnie now had no choice. He reached out, taking the slightly damp, slightly drunk chicken from his very wet, very drunk father.

"I'll see what I can do, Sensei," the genius mumbled.

"Michelangelo, please take Clucky's bedding. Find a nice box to put it in. It would be a shame for it to become sodden. Soft cloth is so very hard to find in the sewer, and Clucky is rather partial to this."

It was then the four brothers noticed the blue and red tangle of fabric lying on Splinter's stomach.

Mikey gingerly took the white spotted fabric bundle. "Raph, isn't this your..."

"Yep. Da decorative scarves from my ceremonial sai."

"And the blue is..."

"From Leo's antique swords."

Leo and Raph both had the same sad expression as they stared blankly at the wad of fabric Mikey held.

They really didn't want it back.

"Would someone be so kind as to help me disembark? This ship seems to have a balance problem."

It really was kind of funny watching an intoxicated mutant rat try to climb out of a below ground pool. Feet and hands would slip. Tail would end up stepped on. Nose would dip underwater. All sorts of strange sounds impossible to imagine coming from a being with the ability of coherent speech could be heard, none of which made any sense.

It was so hard not to laugh, but the turtles knew if they did, they would pay for it dearly. Like when their father was no longer three sheets to the wind, and could kick their collective butts with a teaspoon.

"Raph." Leo grunted, trying to keep Splinter's head above water as the inebriated rat tried to climb his son's head to exit the pool. "Help!"

Raph wasn't sure if Leo meant help him or help Splinter. It didn't matter though, he wasn't touching either one.

"Come on, dude. Suck it up and help. Either hold the chicken crapped on fabric so I can do it," Mikey shoved the bundle he held at his emerald brother. "The crapping chicken so Donnie can do it." Donnie was holding the chicken at arms length, his feet widespread to avoid falling deposits. "Or get your hands wet hauling Sensei out of the water."

Not wanting to be overly hasty, Raph took a second to think about his options.

Having finally noticed it was no longer being cuddled, but was rather being held as if it may explode at any second, the chicken voiced it's displeasure in a most effective way.

It sneezed.

Instantaneous chicken expansion is quite a disturbing phenomenon. Donnie was understandably startled when the chicken poofed up, and flung the poor thing in the air as hard as he could.

Tumbling head over tail wasn't an improvement in the chicken's opinion.

It started squawking.

Loudly.

Which Splinter, in his alcoholic impaired state, misinterpreted.

"Man the cannons, boys! We are under attack!"

Leo was pretty sure the someone drowning today was going to be him. He struggled to stay afloat as his father waged war with an imaginary sword against an imaginary enemy firing imaginary cannonballs to sink Splinter's imaginary ship.

Oddly enough the thought of drowning wasn't as unpleasant to Leo as it really should have been.

Some kind of survival instinct must have clicked in for the chicken, either that or it simply had had enough crap for one day and wanted to sleep off it's hang-over, because after a couple of graceful air tumbles, it righted itself and flapped it's way straight for it's nest.

Still in Mikey's hands.

Mikey may not have seen Splinter's imaginary cannonballs, but he very much did see the demon possessed mass of squawking feathers headed his way.

"Crazy chicken! Crazy chicken! Every turtle for himself!"

In a desperate attempt to protect his more exposed facial features, Mikey ducked his head under his arms. Then he tried to get as far away from the clawing, squawking future dinner entree as he possibly could.

He made it as far as where Raph was standing.

Having thought through his options, the emerald turtle decided helping Splinter out of the pool was the least likely to give him that creepy, skin-crawling, really-need-to-take-a-shower sensation for the next six months. He had just gotten his hands on Splinter's upper arms scant seconds before the chicken scared the crap out of Donnie.

At the exact instant Donnie sent the chicken sailing into the air, Raph sent Splinter.

The chicken was squawking, trying to get on it's nest.

Mikey was trying to crawl under Raph, using the nest as a shield.

Raph was windmilling on the edge of the pool, trying not to fall in.

Splinter was sailing through the air, shouting like an adrenaline junkie on the world's highest rollercoaster and having a great time.

Leo was pretty sure his time on Earth had come to an end because when Splinter landed on him he was positive he was going to drown.

And Donnie was glaring at the spot on his foot where the chicken had violated his toe wondering if he should bury the chicken in the woods, or could he just leave it like he did the squirrel.

The rush of adrenaline must have counteracted the alcohol, or Splinter wasn't as drunk as his sons thought. The rat executed a perfect mid-air flip and landed on the opposite side of the pool.

He had to use his tail to keep his balance, but no one was keeping score, so it didn't really matter.

Splinter made his way over to his sons, swaying and weaving so badly with every step Leo was certain his father was going to fall back into the pool. Somewhere along the way, the rat had retrieved his walking stick and his teacup, which he had perched on top of his head, holding it in place with his ears.

"Come along, Clucky," Splinter reached up, plucking the highly put out chicken from Raph's carapace. "I am feeling a bit peckish," Splinter grinned down at Mikey. "I made a funny," he giggled.

With as dignified a manner as he could muster, Splinter held Clucky out to Donnie, fully expecting his purple banded son to take it.

And Donnie did.

The genius had to keep reminding himself to loosen his grip on the bird, but he held it for his father.

"Michelangelo, if I may?"

At a rare loss for words, Mikey silently handed his father Clucky's nest. He watched as Splinter briefly struggled with where to put the nest, now that one hand was occupied with carrying his walking stick before setting it on top of his head after making a small hole in the middle for the tea cup to stick through.

It had sort of a Victorian flare to it in Mikey's opinion.

Raph thought it was utterly ridiculous, but was smart enough to keep his mouth shut.

"Donatello..."

Donnie handed the chicken back to his father, glaring at the bird for all he was worth.

The chicken glared back. 

"I do believe it is time for tea, Clucky. Let us go see if there is any more of that delicious cake."

Leo suddenly found himself on the receiving end of three threatening glares. "No," he mouthed, shaking his head while making tossing motions over his shoulder.

"Did anyone think to record that?"

Leo, still floating in the pool was too far away to smack his baby brother in back of the head, but Raph and Donnie added extra force to theirs to make up for the leader's absence.

Donnie had had enough. "If any one needs me, DON'T! I'm going to my lab, and unless Sensei's in danger of dying, I better NOT be disturbed!"

His brothers watched as the olive turtle walked off, grumbling louder the farther away from them he got.

"I t'ink da squirrel unhinged him jus' a tad."

"... no idea why... do this to me!... animals in this lair... three-toed sloth!"

There was the resounding boom of a very heavy door being slammed with a great deal of force.

"Definitely unhinged." Mikey looked at his two oldest brothers, a smile slowly curling his mouth. "The zoo has three-toed sloths."

"Mikey..." Leo paused just a fraction of a second to consider the implications. "If Donnie finds out, I don't think there's a force on Earth that could keep him from killing you."

The sea green turtle's grin widened. "I do."

"An jus' what would dat be?"

"Casey's mom put two of those rum cakes in the cabinets over the refrigerator at the farm."

 

Thanks for reading.


End file.
